chit-chat from the Chainsaw--
an irregular feature
--A.L. Cerda
an irregular feature
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to stop the insanity! And since Susan Powter has disappeared, it behooves me to take matters into my own hands. I’m trying to get a law passed, but seeing as I’m not a high-class escort, politicians in Albany are turning deaf ears to my pleas. So what is it that has caught my ire? Those damn self-checkout lanes.
Much too often, I find myself at Tops, dying for my late night fixin’ of Combos, frozen pizza and grape soda. But the self-checkout lane will be backed up because some douchebags are shopping for Thanksgiving dinner and enjoy the convenience of bagging three carts worth of food. Maybe it’s because we have so little control of our lives in other areas, but at some point in human civilization, we’ve accepted the notion that bagging our own groceries represents an important step towards autonomy.
And it’s not like it’s cheaper to self-bag the way it’s cheaper to pump your own gas. Really, the only convenience the self-checkout lane offers is the ability to pay completely in loose change without worrying if you’re on penny 638 or 639. These machines do offer freedom from Coinstar’s loan-shark fees, but that’s all. The time-saving aspect is merely an illusion. You still have to wait in line during busy hours since everyone seems to want to use them. Not to mention that at least one of the machines will be down. And at least one will be occupied by someone with so little grasp of technology, they probably still have a flashing 12:00 on their VCR. And let’s not forget the aforementioned example of someone who doesn’t understand the tiny space allotted is not conducive to massive grocery shopping.
So folks, please, let’s treat these things as express lanes and limit ourselves to 15 items or less. I know it’s a lot to ask that we police ourselves, but it’ll help bring some harmony to the world. And it’ll represent a true step towards real autonomy.
Much too often, I find myself at Tops, dying for my late night fixin’ of Combos, frozen pizza and grape soda. But the self-checkout lane will be backed up because some douchebags are shopping for Thanksgiving dinner and enjoy the convenience of bagging three carts worth of food. Maybe it’s because we have so little control of our lives in other areas, but at some point in human civilization, we’ve accepted the notion that bagging our own groceries represents an important step towards autonomy.
And it’s not like it’s cheaper to self-bag the way it’s cheaper to pump your own gas. Really, the only convenience the self-checkout lane offers is the ability to pay completely in loose change without worrying if you’re on penny 638 or 639. These machines do offer freedom from Coinstar’s loan-shark fees, but that’s all. The time-saving aspect is merely an illusion. You still have to wait in line during busy hours since everyone seems to want to use them. Not to mention that at least one of the machines will be down. And at least one will be occupied by someone with so little grasp of technology, they probably still have a flashing 12:00 on their VCR. And let’s not forget the aforementioned example of someone who doesn’t understand the tiny space allotted is not conducive to massive grocery shopping.
So folks, please, let’s treat these things as express lanes and limit ourselves to 15 items or less. I know it’s a lot to ask that we police ourselves, but it’ll help bring some harmony to the world. And it’ll represent a true step towards real autonomy.
--A.L. Cerda
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